For those of you who lead teams or initiatives, you’ve likely had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a “grenade thrower”. A grenade thrower comes at you aggressively, usually in public, with lots of criticism and no solutions. Typically, their judgment is based on a lack of understanding, or even curiosity, about the challenge the group is dealing with. Instead, they attempt to position themselves as the smartest person in the room as they wag their fingers and lob a bunch of “you shoulds” from on high.
In a stakeholder working group I lead; I recently had the misfortune of having to deal with just such a person. She had not attended our meetings for months and, by the nature of her questions, clearly had a poor understanding of or work. Yet, perhaps because of the high position she holds, she disrupted the meeting with basic questions which we’d moved on from ages ago, and misplaced criticisms born from her own lack of understanding. Her tone was preachy and condescending.
This was, frankly, an infuriating experience and my initial desire was to crush her. But after the initial anger wore off, I got curious about how to deal skillfully with people like her, to at least neutralize their toxic behavior. Because these kinds of people are everywhere in business, sometimes even getting promoted up the ranks because of their bullying behavior.
Five Tips for Leaders to Neutralize the Grenade Thrower
- Be aware of your emotions in the moment: Check in with your body and your feelings. Your goal here is to stay in your power by responding, rather than reacting. Daniel Goleman, in his work on Emotional Intelligence, shows how “amygdala highjack” and unmanaged emotions, as natural and justified as they may be, block us from accessing the rational parts of our brains.
- Interrupt the turmoil within you: Amy Gallo offers great advice on how to manage your emotions in the moment here. You can calm yourself down by taking a few deep breaths or speaking an empowering mantra to yourself such as “this isn’t personal”.
- Resist the urge to humiliate your opponent: In the words of Nelson Mandela, “there is nobody more dangerous than one who has been humiliated, even when you humiliate him rightly.” Humiliation escalates the drama without resolving the issue. In this Coaching for Leaders podcast, Amanda Ripley offers great advice on the way out of unhealthy conflict at work. Part of maintaining a respectful space, as hard as this might sound, is to let the person say their piece without interruption.
- Take the floor back: When the person is done with their diatribe, address their points concisely and with facts. They have likely made erroneous assumptions and misdiagnosed the current state of play. These points need to be countered, graciously and dispassionately, to avoid confusing the rest of the group. Grenade throwers tend to be awful listeners and will likely try to interrupt you. Take a deep breath and insist on your right to speak without interruption, a courtesy that you have already extended to your opponent.
- Seek common ground: Point out where you and your opponent agree, using their own words where possible (this makes it more likely they will listen to you). You likely agree on something, even if it is at a high level. Showing areas of common interest is a key to influence and essential to creating shared value and vision. And building on the few valid points that your opponent has made will show that you are a good listener. Good listening is also a key to influence and a cornerstone of building trust. To learn more, download this free ebook on how to build influence skills here.
Remember not to take the grenade thrower personally. They are misbehaving and it’s your role as a leader to get things back on track, kindly, compassionately, and powerfully. If you want more information on how to handle grenade throwers and other toxic work personas, here’s a good read by Thomas Beraducci, “What Not to Do in Business – The Leadership and Management Survival Guide”.
I hope what I’ve learned from this annoying experience will help you manage the grenade throwers in your life with calm, strength and ease.
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