There are certain people at work whose opinions and advice you seek out, whose initiatives you support, and who can change your perspective on virtually anything. But they’re not your boss – so what is it about them that makes you take their lead and buy into their ideas?
They’ve got influence.
For mid-level and functional leaders, the support and cooperation of colleagues who don’t report to you goes a long way in helping you meet your goals. To get them on board, you’ll need to influence them instead of using formal or positional authority. And you also need to be influenceable!
There are the six essential skills of influence that anyone can learn with practice. The good news is these foundational skills don’t take years to develop, and you don’t need to be a “people person,” extrovert, or natural salesperson to master them. By deliberately practicing some of the key behaviors (and eliminating some others), you’ll be able to take small steps that will quickly have you on your way to developing your skills.
The first skill we will talk about is active listening.
What does active listening look like?
Think about the last time you felt heard– what made you feel that way? Likely, the other person listened more than they spoke, asked you thoughtful follow-up questions, checked their assumptions with you, and paid full attention to your tone, the words you used, and your body language.
Active listening makes the recipient feel heard and that what they say matters to you. This is foundational to building trust (another key influence skill we’ll get to) and opens up the space required for collaboration and innovation. When you listen well, you increase the odds that the other person will return the favor.
To listen better, clear all distractions, be truly curious, and listen more than you speak. You will be surprised how much more engaging your conversations are.
Common Challenges to Listening Well
- Distractions from electronics
- Thinking about your responses while the other person is speaking
- Missing the non-verbal cues
- Having your hearing clouded by judgment and certainty (i.e. not being open and curious)
- Failing to build on the other’s points to create shared meaning
- Interrupting
Of these challenges, I find it most difficult to listen to what the other person is saying without thinking of your response and to not interrupt. This is especially true during a high conflict conversation or on a topic where you have a lot of passion. I’m afraid I’ll forget my points so blurt them out. One trick here is to jot down key thoughts while the person is talking so you know you’ll be able to bring them up later.
Other practical tips to improve your listening
- Turn off electronic distractions when talking to someone.
- Commit yourself to listening to 2⁄3 of the conversation and speaking only 1⁄3 of the time.
- Get curious, ask probing and clarifying questions and avoid rhetorical or yes/no questions.
- Listen to understand and…
- When you don’t fully understand ask them to explain it in a different way.
- Keep building on to what they are saying.
- Check your assumptions during the conversation.
- Check your understanding of what they said by paraphrasing and let them correct you if needed.
- Try not to nod or say “uh huh” a lot. Think about what it feels like when someone keeps nodding and uh-huhing as you speak!
- Make some eye contact, but don’t be creepy.
- Write down your thoughts as the person is speaking, instead of interrupting.
- Allow for moments of silence – some people speak slowly and methodically and need that space.
- Observe their body language, tone, and choice of words to understand what’s between the lines. And then check your observations with them.
Get your free e-book on how to build your influencing skills here.
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