In our Influence Skills series, we have already discussed the behaviors that make you a better listener and more trustworthy.
What Does Being Likable Look Like?
On reality TV shows, there’s always that one person who says, “I’m not here to make friends.” But in the real world, that’s no way to influence people. Persuasion science tells us that the more likable you are, the more influential you become. There are lots of aspects to being likable – demonstrating care, cooperating, supporting, seeking commonality, and managing your negative, habitual behaviors.
Give and Always Be Adding Value
Giving is one of the easiest ways to become more likable. The Principle of Reciprocity tells us that people are more likely to give to those who have given them something first, especially when it is unexpected. Giving like this will not feel transactional or manipulative if it becomes second nature to you. Science has shown many side-benefits to acting with generosity including more happiness, health, and social connection for the giver.
To give well, you must understand what the recipient wants, needs, and aspires to. That requires taking a bit of time to understand them, asking them good questions and listening. A few easy things we can give to colleagues include: key intelligence or information, brainstorming with them on their work when they ask for help, and making strategic introductions within your network.
The Likability Formula
I like formulas because they break downs abstract concepts into easy-to-remember, actionable behaviors. My formula for likability, based on what the leadership experts and research says is:
L = (C1 + C2 + C3) / D
C1 = Finding common ground and cooperating toward common goals. No matter how different you are from another person, there’s usually something you can find in common. When you discover what that is, point it out to build connection and rapport. Continue to uncover common ground. Persuasion science tells us people like people that are like them in some way. Along with commonality, we tend to like people who cooperate with us to meet a goal.
C2 = Giving compliments, appreciating the other person. What we appreciate grows. Seek out the good in others, and recognize them for it, particularly when it is related to the job in hand. Think how you feel when you were lauded for great work. Acknowledging and celebrating your colleague’s good work can be motivating and inspiring, and it shows appreciation.
C3 = Caring. Take an interest in the well-being of your colleagues and find ways to support them. This is a great way to build social connection, something that helps us thrive in both our personal and professional lives. We tend to like and trust people who have shown that they truly care about us.
D = Destructive or energy-depleting behaviors. Don’t forget to manage your more troublesome habitual behaviors at work. Most of us have them, though not all of us are aware of how others experience us in the workplace. If you don’t know your shortcomings, get some feedback from a trusted colleague or in your next performance review. Or undertake a 360 review. Some common bad behaviors I see in the workplace include: interrupting, gossiping, condescending/demeaning, blaming, criticizing, complaining, and failing to deliver what you promise on time.
Common Challenges to Being Likable
- Blind spots in self-awareness of toxic behavior.
- Being so busy or focused on our own tasks at the expense of maintaining good relationships and caring for others.
- Forgetting to celebrate other people’s contributions or taking their help for granted.
Seven Practical Actions to Becoming More Likable
- Always be giving! Give something you know the other person needs or wants, that isn’t too much of a stretch for you to offer. This gift could take the form of a piece of intel, a timely introduction, or tangible support to help someone meet their goal.
- Find common ground with your colleagues, on both a personal and professional level. People like people who are like them in some way.
- Give lots of compliments and show appreciation for others. It doesn’t cost you anything to be generous with your appreciation, and what you appreciate tends to grow.
- Make it a routine to give to your colleagues: do them a favor, lend them a hand on a task, be available to brainstorm, connect them with people or resources to help them do their work.
- Show that you care about other people by asking about their lives. Be compassionate and supportive when they’re going through a tough spot. Celebrate with them when they’ve had success.
- You’re likely already aware of some of your behaviors, either habitual or expressed when you are stressed, that bother others. Some of these common toxic workplace behaviors include gossiping, complaining, displaying anger or aggression, interrupting, acting condescending, criticizing, failing to respond in a timely way, emotional distance or unfriendliness, offering uninvited advice, being indecisive, and not meeting your commitments. Understand that these behaviors undermine your effectiveness and work towards correcting them.
- Understand that there’s often a gap between how we perceive ourselves and how others experience us. You may have some blind spots and could be behaving in ways that undermine yourself. To fill these self-awareness gaps, seek feedback from a trusted colleague or through a 360-assessment process.
For more practical tips on how to build your influence skills, download your free ebook here.
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